So I sit here reflecting on the past 4yrs and how my life has drastically changed. As I think back to the day, 4yrs ago, that changed my life as I then knew it, the same emotions could flood over me, IF I let them. The joy, confusion, hurt, jealousy, betrayal-like, unknowing ball of emotions that hit me like a ton of bricks as soon as my now mother-in-law asked "Tarsha, how are YOU doing honey?" Tears! They gushed as I tried to make my way to my place of employment that I had been at for a whopping 1 month. A perfect and professional way to show up after being employed there for such a short time...a snotty face, swollen eyed, ball of unexplainable emotions. It just screams professionalism.
It was never really real before that day, you know, the impending arrival of a baby, although we knew the entire time what the end result would be, it was THAT day that hit me and my now husband, that he had a little girl. We both rolled back over after receiving the news and stared at the cieling thinking what I would guess to be "Holy hell it's real now."
Since we were together when he found out he was going to be a dad I had had 9 months to decide to stay or go. To peace out and not deal with all the drama and responsibility that was to ensue or to stay with the one person that has my heart, that I LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY. Love wins! People always say "I don't know how you did it. I could never do that." But the truth is, leaving was never an option for me. It never crossed my mind (at first) because I loved him...UNconditionally with ALL my heart. We weren't together when this baby was made, and he didn't do it to hurt me...so what? Am I going to run every time I don't get my way or someone makes a mistake (and I say that with no ill intent)? I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe in the "butterfly effect." That if one little or big thing didn't happen, we might not be where we are today. So I am grateful and I am blessed for the way our lives have unraveled in such a way.
To say the day she arrived in this world wasn't one of the most terrifying and unknowing days of my life would be an understatement. I have known since day 1 that this is and will not be about ME and what I want but that it’s about this little girl and doing what is BEST for HER. I get to experience the joy and heartache of this little girl growing up without ever having to go through cravings, labor pains, or midnight feedings. Sounds almost envious doesn't it? It's not. I get the responsibilities of a parent, but am not allowed to call myself a parent to some. Catch 22. You, as a good and loving human being need to love and care for this child as if they were your own and not treat them differently, (believe me I do. I love her with every bone in my body) but you are "not allowed" to ACT like they are really your child. To be honest, it is utterly confusing! And she is worth it all!
Coming from a family where the person that I call "dad" was not biologically my father, but never treated me any different than his own biological children (and I mean never!), nor did his family, I try and do the same for my step-daughter. To make her feel, just as she is, part of my family, part of my life, and part of ME. It is not a child’s responsibility to have to pave the way or to ever make a stand that they belong. It is OUR job, and as one of her parental figures it is MY job to never make her feel any different.
In the end, all the confusion and drama that I have to endure is worth it. It's worth it when my step-daughter falls asleep in my arms, or hugs my leg and tells me "I love you SO much" as I am washing dishes. The excitement in her eyes when she sees me, or taking her to new places, and experiencing new adventures. It's been 4years of unadulterated enjoyment that she is in my life. 4 years of seeing her walk, talk, eat, play, swim, laugh, cry, love, color, ride bikes, and so much more of just watching her grow up before my eyes. To me, in the end it has nothing to do with biology, but everything to do with your heart and in my heart this IS my child and I love her unconditionally, just as I do her father.
