So we decided that we would have another baby last night. I had told Mitch a little while ago that I think I wanted another and without any pressure or really without me even bringing it up, he goes to me last night "I'm ready for another baby." It made me almost as happy as when he told me he was ready for our first! So anyway, I am excited and happy but last night as I laid in bed I couldn't help but cry and wonder a thousand things. Am I being selfish? Should I just be happy with what God already gave me? What if something is wrong with the baby? Will Adrien be upset or sad not having my undivided attention 95% of the time? and a thousand more questions and tears flowed. I had very similar feelings about Darby when we had Adrien. Would she be mad? Would she feel like we don't love her as much? I was worried because I know I was pissed when my little brother was born and I felt like they loved him more.
September is Childhood Cancer Awareness month and it has swallowed me whole! It also has a lot to do with all my fears about having another baby. I see and read all these stories of the parents and families that are forced to face these heart-wrenching situations, and although I know I am a very strong person, I just don't know if I am that strong! I know you don't know how strong you are until you are put in a tough situation, but I literally pray to God to not deal me that hand. I know no one asks to be dealt that hand either. And you can think I am mean or whatever, but honestly I don't know how my mom did it and still does it with my brother Justin, who doesn't have cancer but a form of epilepsy.
My second cousins son died of cancer 2 years ago at the age of 2, I follow a couple on Facebook that I know as the deal with cancer with their now 6yr old daughter and I follow Ronan Thompson's mom Maya on Instagram and I swear I have a breakdown every time I read their stories. Their strength and heartache are just too much some days and I wonder how they even do it. I am a mess of sobbing tears anytime I listen to Taylor Swifts song "Ronan" and I don't know how I would even go on with life without my babies.
So these are the things that plague my mind right now in what should be a very exciting time. And it is exciting....but it's also so scary!
