You know what I can't stand?! When people make up their excuse as to why they are addicted to something and "need" it. The whole "weed makes me more creative" or "I smoke cigarettes because I am under a lot of stress," "I need a drink because I had a bad day." It really irritates me and there is nothing more pathetic to me. So does it make it ok when someone says "cocaine makes me feel stronger" ? ummm no. And weed does NOT make you more creative, you just THINK it does. You don't NEED a drink because you had a bad day, there are plenty of other ways to deal with a bad day. Go for a friggin run. and you don't see every stressed out person cranking a butt do you? No. I know I am a bit extreme, but I don't let myself get addicted to anything. I don't drink coffee daily, or soda. I don't drink during the week for the most part, and I don't necessarily drink on the weekend either. I don't do drugs......as I've said before, I can't even handle benedryl, so I don't understand how people do anything else. To me, the whole smoking weed thing is something you left with high school or perhaps even early college, but not something you continue to do throughout your life. Just not for me.
I think that completes my rant for tonight. If I offended you, then you're not my friend. And I don't say that because you may not agree with MY OPINION, but I say that because if you were my friend, then this wouldn't be the first time you have heard me say this and you would know that it's MY opinion and that I don't expect you to feel the same way as me but that I am just stating what I think.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Happier, different me
I used to say that being in Tampa made me a happier, different me. That I was a better person when I was there. After my most recent trip, and the longest I have been away from my husband since we got married (7mo. and 7days ago) I realized that Tampa does not make me a happier different me, but that my husband does! Although I love seeing my best friends. They are a breath of fresh air and I absolutely cherish my time with them but I missed my husband like crazy by Saturday when I had only arrived there on Monday and I still had another 5 days before I was able to see him. I missed coming home to him and him making me laugh. It's the one thing I have always said that I needed in a relationship.....someone that can make me laugh. And last night we layed in bed cracking up over the silliest thing. After almost 13yrs, he still makes me laugh like no one else. I am so lucky to have him as my husband. I love you!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Babies.........
For as long as I can remember, my child hood, pre-teen, teen, and early twenties all had a common thought to them; that I never wanted kids. I could give you a million different reasons as to why I thought this, and I am sure I still could today. I figured I would just be that super cool aunt that my nieces and nephews could come to when their parents just "didn't get them." I still want and am that aunt but for the past 5yrs (estimated) I have gone back and forth about wanting or not wanting a baby. Then about 2yrs ago, all the way up until around my wedding, I wanted a baby, for sure! It was in my "plans" to be married for at least 2yrs before we started a family (I'm a planner to the T). To have A (key word, A) mini Mitch or Tarsha combination. Due to some things that occurred around my wedding I became very jaded about having children. It seemed like more of a hassle than a blessing. Since then, I have come up with reason after reason as to why we should not have kids. Many people ask "but don't you want a child of your own?" But I don't need a "child of my own." I feel like I would have to be really insecure to feel that way, like it was a competition and to me, as I have said before, biological or not, Darby IS my child. But it seems as though babies are every where I go lately and in every conversation. My friend just had a baby, another friend has been trying, another that I just found out is pregnant, one that is about to start trying and a large handful of acquaintance's that are either due any day now or having some issues. I feel like there is never a quote "normal" pregnancy. Some people that want a child have a hard time conceiving while others can simply be looked at and they are pregnant in an instance. For the most part, it doesn't seem like an easy road in some ways.
It's not that I don't like kids, because I do, it's just the fact that I, A) worry about everything and B) am not ready to stop being selfish. A lot of people say that knowing reason B is great because there are so many parents out there that are still selfish and think it's all about them. Anyway, yesterday I was blessed enough to have the opportunity to watch and welcome my nephew come into this world. Amazing! It was wonderful to be a part of it, but also very hard to see someone, especially my sister in that much pain, but the joy that rushed over her face as soon as she heard him cry and got to hold her son was worth it.
In Sex And The City 2, there is a scene where Carrie and Big are asked if they are going to have kids, and when Carrie responded that is just wasn't them, the other couple looked at them disgusted and like they had 4 heads. That is EXACTLY how I feel when I tell people that I don't want kids (right now).Right now, for me, my life is too busy and I am not ready to give it up or to be as responsible as one with a child needs, let me re-phrase, SHOULD be. Plus, today, raising a child cost around $2million dollars!!!!! I don't have that kind of money! Now, I know that everyone says you find the money to make it happen, but I figure I have planned my life out enough to go the way I want it to that I don't want to "find" the money to make it work, I want to have it and feel comfortable with my choice when and if I decide to have a child. So for now, the stork will remain at bay and I will enjoy my life with my husband. And like Carrie says in SATC 2 "Me and You, just us two." And so the tug-of-war battle to have a baby or not to have a baby continues.
It's not that I don't like kids, because I do, it's just the fact that I, A) worry about everything and B) am not ready to stop being selfish. A lot of people say that knowing reason B is great because there are so many parents out there that are still selfish and think it's all about them. Anyway, yesterday I was blessed enough to have the opportunity to watch and welcome my nephew come into this world. Amazing! It was wonderful to be a part of it, but also very hard to see someone, especially my sister in that much pain, but the joy that rushed over her face as soon as she heard him cry and got to hold her son was worth it.
In Sex And The City 2, there is a scene where Carrie and Big are asked if they are going to have kids, and when Carrie responded that is just wasn't them, the other couple looked at them disgusted and like they had 4 heads. That is EXACTLY how I feel when I tell people that I don't want kids (right now).Right now, for me, my life is too busy and I am not ready to give it up or to be as responsible as one with a child needs, let me re-phrase, SHOULD be. Plus, today, raising a child cost around $2million dollars!!!!! I don't have that kind of money! Now, I know that everyone says you find the money to make it happen, but I figure I have planned my life out enough to go the way I want it to that I don't want to "find" the money to make it work, I want to have it and feel comfortable with my choice when and if I decide to have a child. So for now, the stork will remain at bay and I will enjoy my life with my husband. And like Carrie says in SATC 2 "Me and You, just us two." And so the tug-of-war battle to have a baby or not to have a baby continues.
Monday, February 28, 2011
And 4 to gooo......
So I sit here reflecting on the past 4yrs and how my life has drastically changed. As I think back to the day, 4yrs ago, that changed my life as I then knew it, the same emotions could flood over me, IF I let them. The joy, confusion, hurt, jealousy, betrayal-like, unknowing ball of emotions that hit me like a ton of bricks as soon as my now mother-in-law asked "Tarsha, how are YOU doing honey?" Tears! They gushed as I tried to make my way to my place of employment that I had been at for a whopping 1 month. A perfect and professional way to show up after being employed there for such a short time...a snotty face, swollen eyed, ball of unexplainable emotions. It just screams professionalism.
It was never really real before that day, you know, the impending arrival of a baby, although we knew the entire time what the end result would be, it was THAT day that hit me and my now husband, that he had a little girl. We both rolled back over after receiving the news and stared at the cieling thinking what I would guess to be "Holy hell it's real now."
Since we were together when he found out he was going to be a dad I had had 9 months to decide to stay or go. To peace out and not deal with all the drama and responsibility that was to ensue or to stay with the one person that has my heart, that I LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY. Love wins! People always say "I don't know how you did it. I could never do that." But the truth is, leaving was never an option for me. It never crossed my mind (at first) because I loved him...UNconditionally with ALL my heart. We weren't together when this baby was made, and he didn't do it to hurt me...so what? Am I going to run every time I don't get my way or someone makes a mistake (and I say that with no ill intent)? I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe in the "butterfly effect." That if one little or big thing didn't happen, we might not be where we are today. So I am grateful and I am blessed for the way our lives have unraveled in such a way.
To say the day she arrived in this world wasn't one of the most terrifying and unknowing days of my life would be an understatement. I have known since day 1 that this is and will not be about ME and what I want but that it’s about this little girl and doing what is BEST for HER. I get to experience the joy and heartache of this little girl growing up without ever having to go through cravings, labor pains, or midnight feedings. Sounds almost envious doesn't it? It's not. I get the responsibilities of a parent, but am not allowed to call myself a parent to some. Catch 22. You, as a good and loving human being need to love and care for this child as if they were your own and not treat them differently, (believe me I do. I love her with every bone in my body) but you are "not allowed" to ACT like they are really your child. To be honest, it is utterly confusing! And she is worth it all!
Coming from a family where the person that I call "dad" was not biologically my father, but never treated me any different than his own biological children (and I mean never!), nor did his family, I try and do the same for my step-daughter. To make her feel, just as she is, part of my family, part of my life, and part of ME. It is not a child’s responsibility to have to pave the way or to ever make a stand that they belong. It is OUR job, and as one of her parental figures it is MY job to never make her feel any different.
In the end, all the confusion and drama that I have to endure is worth it. It's worth it when my step-daughter falls asleep in my arms, or hugs my leg and tells me "I love you SO much" as I am washing dishes. The excitement in her eyes when she sees me, or taking her to new places, and experiencing new adventures. It's been 4years of unadulterated enjoyment that she is in my life. 4 years of seeing her walk, talk, eat, play, swim, laugh, cry, love, color, ride bikes, and so much more of just watching her grow up before my eyes. To me, in the end it has nothing to do with biology, but everything to do with your heart and in my heart this IS my child and I love her unconditionally, just as I do her father.
It was never really real before that day, you know, the impending arrival of a baby, although we knew the entire time what the end result would be, it was THAT day that hit me and my now husband, that he had a little girl. We both rolled back over after receiving the news and stared at the cieling thinking what I would guess to be "Holy hell it's real now."
Since we were together when he found out he was going to be a dad I had had 9 months to decide to stay or go. To peace out and not deal with all the drama and responsibility that was to ensue or to stay with the one person that has my heart, that I LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY. Love wins! People always say "I don't know how you did it. I could never do that." But the truth is, leaving was never an option for me. It never crossed my mind (at first) because I loved him...UNconditionally with ALL my heart. We weren't together when this baby was made, and he didn't do it to hurt me...so what? Am I going to run every time I don't get my way or someone makes a mistake (and I say that with no ill intent)? I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe in the "butterfly effect." That if one little or big thing didn't happen, we might not be where we are today. So I am grateful and I am blessed for the way our lives have unraveled in such a way.
To say the day she arrived in this world wasn't one of the most terrifying and unknowing days of my life would be an understatement. I have known since day 1 that this is and will not be about ME and what I want but that it’s about this little girl and doing what is BEST for HER. I get to experience the joy and heartache of this little girl growing up without ever having to go through cravings, labor pains, or midnight feedings. Sounds almost envious doesn't it? It's not. I get the responsibilities of a parent, but am not allowed to call myself a parent to some. Catch 22. You, as a good and loving human being need to love and care for this child as if they were your own and not treat them differently, (believe me I do. I love her with every bone in my body) but you are "not allowed" to ACT like they are really your child. To be honest, it is utterly confusing! And she is worth it all!
Coming from a family where the person that I call "dad" was not biologically my father, but never treated me any different than his own biological children (and I mean never!), nor did his family, I try and do the same for my step-daughter. To make her feel, just as she is, part of my family, part of my life, and part of ME. It is not a child’s responsibility to have to pave the way or to ever make a stand that they belong. It is OUR job, and as one of her parental figures it is MY job to never make her feel any different.
In the end, all the confusion and drama that I have to endure is worth it. It's worth it when my step-daughter falls asleep in my arms, or hugs my leg and tells me "I love you SO much" as I am washing dishes. The excitement in her eyes when she sees me, or taking her to new places, and experiencing new adventures. It's been 4years of unadulterated enjoyment that she is in my life. 4 years of seeing her walk, talk, eat, play, swim, laugh, cry, love, color, ride bikes, and so much more of just watching her grow up before my eyes. To me, in the end it has nothing to do with biology, but everything to do with your heart and in my heart this IS my child and I love her unconditionally, just as I do her father.
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